


Why Rodney Shouldn't be Allowed to Play with Ancient Tech

by Tiggy



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Gen, Kid Fic, M/M, Mpreg, no really - CRACK, why did people encourage me?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-10 18:03:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiggy/pseuds/Tiggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney gets himself knocked up by the local Automated Ancient Spermbank. No, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ancient Spermbank

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this in 2008, and every once in awhile I come back and just have to add a scene here or there. This is pure, indulgent crack (the best kind) and should in no way be taken seriously. 
> 
> My greatest thanks to Tarlan, who not only inspired this fic (although after 4 years, I can't quite recall how!) and probably should not have encouraged its inception. Thanks to my lovely Saeruk, as well, for giving this the once over.
> 
> I also want to give you fair warning about the writing - I did this entirely in dialogue for the first chapters, but if this is updated again this may change. I also did this in very small drabble like sections as inspiration hit. I can only promise that I am writing them chronologically!

The Ancient Spermbank

//Hello. Welcome to the Lantean Database for Procreation. This initiative is designed to make it easier for humans and Lanteans to deliver offspring, in the event of a full-scale war with the ‘Wraith’.\\\

//Please enter desired traits for your offspring and I will generate the top three matches.\\\

//Thank you.\\\

//You chose: Above average intelligence; height approximately 5 feet, 8 inches; blonde hair; green eyes; musically and mathematically inclined. Please wait while I process your request.\\\

“What are you doing, McKay?”

“Hmm? Oh, Zelenka and I found this device. It’s kinda like the Ancients’ version of a sperm bank. Obviously it’s much more sophisticated though. It lets you chose pretty much everything about your child.”

“I thought you hate kids?”

“Well, of course! It’s not like I have the proper equipment to be an actual candidate here. I’m just plying around with it before I let the Voodoo Practitioners get their greedy little paws on it.”

//Your top three donor choices are being displayed. Please chose carefully.\\\

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

“Don’t you care who the father is, McKay?”

“I don’t see how it matters. Even if there was any biological residue left after all this time, it would be far too degraded to be viable.”

//Please specify the gender of your child.\\\

“Wow, you really can have whatever you want, huh?”

“That’s the point. The Ancients where so far a head of us when it comes to cloning and biology. Not that those are worthwhile sciences, but still, way more advanced than we are.”

//Please step forward for the final phase.\\\

“McKay! What are you doing?”

“I’m a guy, Sheppard, it’s not going to effect me.”

//Implantation successful. Please raise your child wisely and get regular check ups from the Infirmary Ward. Have a nice day.\\\

“McKay! McKay!”


	2. What Do You Mean "I'm Pregnant?"

“Well, Doctor, you really managed to stump me this time.”

“Doctor Keller, is he… I mean, he can’t really be…”

“Pregnant? Oh yes, he is. That machine Rodney was so adamant we don’t touch until after he ‘analyzed’ it, has managed to change all of his internal plumbing, if you will, into a system complex enough to sustain life.”

"Oh God. My life is over. I'll be the laughing stock of the scientific community, not to mention Atlantis. I can hear the Schwarzenegger comments now."

“Doc, how will he… you know?”

“Give birth?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the machine didn’t change his outside plumbing any, so it will have to be by cesarean.”

“Thank God for that! Wait, cesarean? I am not having a c-section! That involves scalpels, and, and…!”

“You went and touched a strange machine that impregnated you, Rodney! I think how you give birth is a little unimportant at the moment!”


	3. Gestation Period

“So, what are you going to name her, Doctor?”

“I hadn’t really given it much thought, Teyla. I mean, I just found out I’m pregnant. I think I can leave worrying about a name for sometime during the next nine months of my life.”

“Uh, Rodney? Didn’t you hear Keller say that it would actually only be three months? Something about how the ‘spermbank’ accelerating normal gestation due to the Wraith threat. Rodney? Rodney!”

“I think he has fainted, John.”

“No kidding! C’mon, help me get him to the infirmary.”

“He shouldn’t do that. It’s not going to be good for the baby.”

“Yeah, thanks buddy, I’m sure if you tell him not to faint for the baby’s sake he’ll listen.”


	4. The Name Game

"Could I speak with you for a moment, Rodney?"   
  
"Yes, yes, what is it? Busy man here!"   
  
"Busy  _pregnant_  man."   
  
"Yes, thank you Sheppard, your ability to point out the obvious is astounding. If my feet weren't so swollen I would come over and pat your head."   
  
"Doctor McKay."   
  
"Oh, right, what do you want again? It's not like I'm here in my lab because I'm  _working_ , or anything silly like that."   
  
"Since I'm handling your, ah, case, this kind of makes me your family doctor. So I need to have a name for the baby's Birth Certificate. I assume you'll be using your own last name?"   
  
"Oh sure! Laugh at the pregnant man who got sexually assaulted by a machine! Of course the baby will have my last name. It's better than Betty Lou Ancient Machine!"   
  
"Well, McKay, what about a first name? At least you know what sex she is."   
  
"Um, well..."   
  
"C'mon McKay, you can't tell me you haven't apportioned some of your precious time to looking through those baby name books Zalenka gave you."   
  
"Well, it's just... you'lljustmakefunofme..."   
  
"What was that? I don't think I can put 'mumble' down as a name, Doctor."   
  
"You'll. Just. Make. Fun. Of. Me."   
  
"Of course not, buddy. This is important stuff here. Now, if you name her something like Apple, or Daisy Boo I reserve the right to call Child Services."   
  
"We don't have Child-"   
  
"McKay!"   
  
"Alright, alright, has anyone ever told you you're not a very patiant man, Colonel? I'm going to name her Elizabeth."   
  
"...yeah, that's a good name."


	5. Surprise! You're the Father!

"Sheppard! Coffee!"   
  
"McKay, I don't know how you got it into your head that I should be bowing to your every whim, but I am getting sick of it!"   
  
"But I need more coffee."   
  
"Get it yourself."   
  
"How can you be so cruel? This is your baby too!"   
  
" _What_ ?"   
  
"Well, you were there too, and I can't really call an Ancient Spermbank the father. So I nominate you."   
  
"Why don't I get a say in this?"   
  
"Because. Now, coffee."   
  
"Don't rattle that mug at me."   
  
...   
  
"This is tea Sheppard."   
  
"Coffee isn't good for our baby  _dear_ ."


	6. Personal Ads for Sperm

"What are you doing here, Rodney?"   
  
"Wha... Teyla? Oh, I'm just doing a few more scans on the Sperm-o-matic here. I want to make sure my baby doesn't end up all glowy and squidlike."   
  
"I was under the impression that Dr. Keller was impressed with the health and wellbeing your child shows, despite the seed being so old."   
  
"Yes, well, the day I take the word of a medical doctor, is the day I give up and become a stay at home mom."   
  
"Are you not worried for the safety of you child, by staying here? What should happen to her if you were to die."   
  
"Hm? Oh, I have you and the others to make sure that doesn't happen. Besides, if by some unforseen reason I should die, I'm naming Sheppard the father, so all rights would go to him. The military will make it happen, because I don't see Jeannie contesting it, and my parents are dead. Not that they would anyway. Contest it I mean. They weren't the - oh, hey, what's this?"   
  
//You have chosen the Lantean Database for Procreation's donor listings. Please chose your preffered match.||   
  
{Hello. If you chose my DNA you will be getting a beautiful auburn haired, sable eyed little child. He or she will have a wonderful sense of humour, will be patient, loving and loyal. I have an Intelligence Rating of over 500, so your child will also be extremely intelligent...}   
  
"Teyla?"   
  
"Yes, Rodney?"   
  
"Do you ever think that the Ancients were vain?"


	7. Why Scientists Should Never Have Children. Or: The Real Reason Atlantis Sank

"Alright! Which idiot among idiots turned on the one device in this lab that I specifically said  _do not activiate_ ? Am I not speaking in a language you can understand? Because I'm pretty sure speaking fluent English was one of the requirements to coming on this expedition! Please, tell me if you can't understand what I am saying now: Do Not Touch This Device! Unless your goal was to blow all of us up. If that's the case, good job then, better luck next time."   
  
"But, Rodney, no one but you was anywhere near device. I was not looking, but still I did not see anyone approach the area."   
  
"Oh, right, I turned it on myself, despite deliberately  _not_  activating it. Yes, of course, how stupid of me."   
  
"Um, doctor?"   
  
"What, Miko?"   
  
"Shouldn't you turn it off now. If it's as dangerous as you say?"   
  
"I did. I just did. What the heck?"   
  
"Can it be voice activated, perhaps?"   
  
"Don't be any more moronic than I know you are, Radek. It's been in this lab all week and there haven't been any problems. There, now it should stay off."   
  
"Ah, Rodney, I do not think that worked."   
  
"What? Why?  _How_ ? Hey, give that back!""   
  
"Have you perhaps considered that it is not anyone who is actually within touching distance to the device."   
  
"Quit speaking nonsense, Radek. This device can only be activated by touching someone with the ATA gene, but I didn't activate it."   
  
"No, but you were resting it on your stomach, were you not?"   
  
"I... oh crap."


	8. The Baby Shower

 

**Aren't Rodney's Friends _Generous_ :**

 

"Okay, okay! I get why we're having a baby shower-"  
  
"Please don't imply it's because we're emotional females with nothing better to do with our time, McKay. Again."  
  
"-because it has a practical use, not at all because you are traditional, hidebound,-"  
  
"Rodney!"  
  
"-but I don't see why Sheppard and Ronon are here. Aren't showers supposed to be for women and accidentally impregnated men only?"  
  
"Well, McKay, Ronon wanted to see what was so great about an Earth baby shower, and John's here to keep you placated because we knew you would freak out at the last minute."  
  
"What?"  
  
"And by placated I mean content. Of course."  
  
"Why are you even here, Cadman? Isn't it supposed to be  _friends_  only?"  
  
"Because, daddy-dear, I'm hosting this little shower."  
  
"Fuck."

 

  


**Pin the Tail on the... Pregnant Man?**

  


"What is the point of this? This is the most stupid game I can possibly think of!"  
  
"Rodney, just try and enjoy yourself. It's a party in your honour, complete with food, drink, games, and cake."  
  
"I wanted to make a lemon cake, but Sam vetoed the idea."  
  
"Thank you, Cadman, your thoughtfulness astounds me. Your intelligence, however, does not. This is what happens when you let a psychotic grunt have charge of anything more complicated than a  _grenade._ "  
  
"Ouch, McKay. Really."  
  
"Peace, please. Today is a time for celebrating new life. Not threatening each other with death. Colonel Carter has told me of a game that I think would entertain everyone here."  
  
"What the hell are we going to do with  _toilet paper_ ?"


	9. Constant Craving

**Preparation is the Key**   
  
"The best thing about delivery by cesarean is that we can schedule it in whenever we want it. The Ancient machine indicated that tomorrow would be the best day to deliver, when the fetus is at it's most mature stage. So, some back tomorrow at two o'clock and we'll start the pre-surgery preparation. Any questions, Rodney?"   
  
"No, no, I think I've got it. Two o'clock, pre-scheduled male child-birth. Nothing to it."   
  
"Alright, then I'll see you tomorrow. I think it would be best if you took the rest of the day off to rest up."   
  
"Not like I've been doing anything else this month. Carter banned me from the labs until the baby's born. She doesn't trust me to keep dangerous tech away from my un-born child."   
  
"Well, good, then go back to your room and watch a movie or something. No work!"    
  
"Come on, Rodney. I just borrowed a few movies from Lorne, I think there are a few we haven't seen yet."   
  
~*~   
  
"Hmm, that feels good. How did you manage to avoid giving me shoulder rubs all these months? It's a sin you know."   
  
"Maybe if I had, you would have been a little more pleasant to be around."   
  
"Hey! I wasn't that bad... was I?"   
  
"Worse, Rodney. I understand. Well, no, I don't understand, but I do understand, you know?"   
  
"Well, with elocution like that, how could I fail to?"   
  
"Very funny."   
  
"No, what's funny is your choice in movies. 'Junior' is just tasteless. As if I haven't heard all the jo- mph! Mhphhmpph! What the hell was that, Colonel?"   
  
"A kiss, Rodney. I figured tomorrow, before the delivery, we could go look for a new set of rooms. It's pretty much a given that we'll be living together, since you named me the father. No one will care what we do behind closed doors."   
  
"Aren't you taking a risk here? What about 'don't ask, don't tell'?"   
  
"Rodney, you're  _pregnant_ . I think DADT is pretty much blown out of the waters. At least as far as Atlantis is concerned."   
  
"Wait a minute. You just kissed me for the first time, and tomorrow you want to move in together. Don't you think we're moving a little too fast?                                                                   

****

****

****

**Craving**   
  
"What now, McKay?"   
  
"I'm hungry. Can you get me one of those little orange-y, purple-y things we traded a deck of cards for on M2F-666?"   
  
"Okay, this craving thing is out of control."   
  
"Please?"   
  
"Anything else I can do for you, oh Master of Atlantis?"   
  
"Umm, make it two?"

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. I Wanna Be Sedated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....  
> Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane  
> Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane  
> I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain  
> Oh no no no no no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This does not actually devolve into a song-fic. I swear!

  
_Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....  
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a  ~~plane~~  bed  
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane  
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain  
Oh no no no no no_   
  
"Okay, Rodney, just breathe. Deep breaths. In and out, in and out. In. Out."   
  
"What are you doing Shepard?"   
  
"Isn't this what women do?"   
  
"One, I'm not a woman. Two, I don't technically have a womb or contractions. Three, I fully plan to be completely knocked out through this procedure. When I wake up, poof, baby!"   
  
"Ah, Rodney? We can give you a regional anesthesia, but, ah, we can't knock you right out. It would be dangerous to you and to the baby. This is really the best way."   
  
"... I'll be awake?"   
  
"Yes. That way you can interact with Elizabeth immediately."   
  
"I will be awake. While you  _slice me open_ ?"   
  
"Now, Rodney, it's really not that bad. It's not like you'll feel anything."   
  
"He's right, Rodney. And we'll erect a drape so you can't see the procedure."   
  
"Oh, because not being able to see it is going to erase the fact that it's happening! Have I ever told you that I have an overactive imagination?"   
  
"Yeah, yeah. Big brain, big imagination. You may have mentioned it once or twice."   
  
"You are really not being helpful. Shouldn't you be holding my hand or something?"   
  
"Why, so you can crush it? Besides, think of it this way: you're almost home-free. Another, what, half hour?"   
  
"That's right, Rodney. About five more minutes for the anesthesia to kick in, then we'll make a quick incision. Once Elizabeth is delivered you can hold her for a few moments. We'll then take care of getting her cleaned, dressed, and fed. I've mixed up a nutrient rich formula with naturally occurring ingredients that some Athosian mothers showed me. Don't worry, I've already run tests to make sure it will be compatible. Really, this will help build up natural immunities that a child from our galaxy wouldn't have naturally."   
  
"...thanks."   
  
"Hey, buddy, think about it this way. At least you don't have to breast feed."   
  
"So not reassuring."   
  
  
  
**Just Between You and Me**   
  
"Rodney's handling this really well. I thought there would be some hysterics involved."   
  
"With Rodney as a patient? Really?"   
  
"Whoah, Keller, what's with the sarcasm?"   
  
"Sorry, Colonel, sorry. I'm not an obstetrician, and we didn't have enough time to get clearance for one to come to Atlantis, and I've never done this sort of surgery before, and what if something goes wrong that I'm  _not_  trained for, and... I'm just nervous, I guess. As for Rodney, I have a feeling that between the drugs and the realisation that this is almost over, he's feeling pretty good right now. I'd take advantage of it and get some relaxation in."    
  
"Yeah, you're right. We've got at least an hour between the delivery and Rodney realising that he has to learn how to change a diaper."   
  
  
  
**Oh Baby, Baby. How Was I Supposed to Know?**   
  
"Is she alright?"   
  
"Yes, she's fine,  _Daddy_ . Ten fingers, ten toes, and one cute little nose. That hopefully won't take after you."   
  
"Let me see her!"   
  
"Hang on, we have to cut the umbilical cord."   
  
"Oh, Rodney, she's gorgeous."   
  
"Indeed, she is a very beautiful baby."   
  
"I want to see!... Oh. That's her."   
  
"Yes. Rodney, meet Elizabeth McKay. Elizabeth, meet your mommy."   
  
"She's pink and wrinkly. I thought the scans showed she was normal?"   
  
"You've not been around new borns much, I take it?"   
  
  
  
**Hush Little Baby, Don't Say a Word**   
  
"Sheppard!"   
  
"What?! What is it?"   
  
"It's Elizabeth. She won't stop crying!"   
  
"Here, buddy, let me hold her. Maybe if I rock her, she'll settle down."   
  
"Um..."   
  
"McKay, I'm not going to drop her. I promise."   
  
"Oh, fine, but remeber you're holding a future Nobel Prize winner there. If she fails, I'll know who caused her to lose brain cells!She needs those cells to think important thoughts!"   
  
"Rodney, you're getting incoherent. Go to sleep, let me watch the baby for a little while. She'll still be a Nobel candidate when you wake up."   
  
"I think you're *yawn* right. Just make sure you change her diaper, before putting her down for the night. Oh, and don't forget..."   
  
"Guess it's just you and me, Elizabeth. Let's go for a little walk, I'll show you your new home. Maybe I can talk Teyla into taking pity on me and changing you."   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Rodney tackles child rearing. Really, it's not rocket science. Right? All of his friends are there to help him. Right? Right!?
> 
>  
> 
> I think after leaving this for so long I've lost the rhythm and flow of what I was trying to accomplish. Hopefully I can get that back before I post any more of this. Just writing something after months of not really writing anything (let alone posting anything!) has really made me feel more accomplished than anything else I've done lately. So, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.


End file.
